Redefining charity

The American people have a can-do spirit that is antithetical to mandated charity. But what Americans love is the chance to take their piece of the pie. We may not want health care, but we sure love pork, (and laughing at foreigners).

That said, we need to alleviate poverty if we want to improve education, because the newest tech-wondrous womping stick ain't going to build itself.

[I'd argue that knowledge of rhetoric might be a slightly useful byproduct of education as well, but that'd be kind of fruity of me. See, look at that, that link's a brilliantly self-indulgent Latin reference. Watch this: Inde poeta dicti sunt saturi, eo quod pleni sunt omni facundia sive a saturitate et copia quia de pluribus simul rebus loquuntur. You know what that is? That's Latin baby. That's me claiming authority under the pretense of class. That could be you, America!]

We've got to trick people into getting help, and disguising charity as competition is the only way to do it. You want health care for your family? Only if you can outdo your neighbour in gator wrastlin'. You want Social Security? Medicare? Be willing to do cartwheels off the Statue of Liberty. Food stamps? Give me Pyramids, monuments to our greatness. Flex for the future, American, flaunt yourselves in an act of validation and claim the fabulous prizes of blood transfusions and Hamburger Helper. And you losers, go forth with a new focus for your shame, forced to accept that welfare check for now, but hopeful that you'll soon be the one on top.